When You Learn, Teach. When You Get, Give.

It all started in 2014 when I was approached by my  theater teacher about directing Evan Placey’s Girls Like That, a play that explores the pressures on young girls in the wake of our ever-changing society and our fast paced, technology driven world. As a new assistant principal and activities director at a relatively conservative, large high school outside of Denver, Colorado I was terrified to say yes to her request. The first five lines of the play are:

Girl 1:  Slut

2:  Skank

3:  Whore

4:  Ho

5:  Tramp

It didn’t get any prettier from there…But by the time I finished reading the script, I knew what I had to do. I had to convince my principal to let her direct the play, and I decided to host a female empowerment conference for high school girls at my school to coincide with the play’s opening. Those two decisions, which at the time felt pretty risky, have shaped not only my professional path but my personal mission in life as well.

Working with teenagers, especially teenage girls, has always been the most rewarding part of my job as an educator. I have witnessed some of the most beautiful transformations of young women over the years as they gain confidence, grow into their own skin, and are able to speak their truth. I have seen first hand the devastating heartbreak that girls inflict on each other through their unkind words, actions, and judgement of one another. I also know that this doesn’t end once high school is over. Unfortunately, we live in a society where it is all too easy to belittle one another behind the mask of a computer screen and often times that cruelty spills over into the real world. Again, I have learned that this doesn’t go away after high school. I have said far too many times in my career as an educator, “Wow, I work at a high school. Why does it feel like I am still in high school?” 

Asking that question over and over again finally became too much for me, so I decided to do something about it. After hosting my first female empowerment conference in 2014, Shine Summit was born. This year we are hosting our fourth annual summit and have grown from 200 attendees to 800 high school and middle school aged girls attending. I am not stopping there though.  

Shine Girl, which has been in the works for a few years now has finally come to fruition. Along with a powerful group of women, we hope to share our message with millions of girls all over the world.  I truly believe that when females work together to champion one another, we all rise. Not just women, but men as well. It is imperative to our world that we are teaching this message to young girls. Maya Angelo says “When you learn, teach. When you get, give.” As an educator, women’s activist, and eternal optimist, I have learned so much over the last four years since Shine Summit began and it is now time to start teaching. Shine Girl has many exciting things on the horizon and we can’t wait to start giving back. We have been given so much and we want the next generation of girls to have the opportunities to do the same, and so much more. 

Your Voice Matters. Now, More Than Ever.

Seventeen. Seventeen  beautiful souls tragically lost well before their time. 150,000. 150,000 is the number of students that have experienced a shooting on their campus since 1999 when the Columbine shooting occurred. 170. 170 primary or secondary schools have had a school shooting on their campus between 1999 and 2018. One. You are one person. Once voice. What can you possibly do to shift this new paradigm in our country?

Now more than ever, your voice matters. As young females in our country you have the power to create change. I don’t know what the answer is to stop this violence and this post isn’t about gun control, mental health issues, or gun violence, although they are all very important topics. This is about what you as young women can do to fight to status quo. To go out and use your voice, your influence, your passion, to create real change. Because if not you, who?

This week I listened to Emma Gonzalez, a senior at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School speak passionately about the shooting that happened at her high school on Wednesday. Emma told the crowd “We are going to be the kids you read about in textbooks. Not because we’re going to be another statistic about mass shooting in America, but because, just as David said, we are going to be the last mass shooting.” Emma’s speech has been played around the world. Her onevoice is inspiring hundreds of thousands of young people to act. To take a stand and say enough is enough.

You don’t have to be an eloquent speaker or a survivor of a high school shooting to use your voice to create change. As young women, you have more influence than any generation of women before you. You have the freedom to vote, to speak your mind, to share your stories, and to work together, along side other young men and women to create real change. It won’t be easy. There is so much work to do and so many unanswered questions. Our system is broken and it is up to all of us to fix it.

Thursday morning I had the privilege to spend a few hours with 32 female high school students that are working together to make a difference for themselves and other young women around them. They understand the importance of tribe, community, encouragement, and kindness.  As disheartening as this week as been, I refuse to succumb to the overwhelming sadness and despair that so many of us feel. The girls I was with on Thursday morning and the hundreds of incredible young adults I work with on a daily basis remind me that while there is evil in this world there is also SO MUCH good and we can never lose hope. I don’t even pretend to have the answers, but I do know that I won’t give up hope. For my daughter and all of the kids I work with everyday, I choose kindness, compassion, and HOPE. 

I hope that today, you will also choose hope. I want you to know that your voice matters and that we must all muster up the courage and strength to use those voices to create change. Whether you want to speak up about violence, hatred, an injustice happening in your community, or for the girl sitting next to you in math class that is constantly being silenced, whatever good you choose to use your voice for, please use it. It matters, now more than ever. And I will ask you again, if not you, who?

Words Matter, Even When They Shouldn't

You don’t have to look very far to find someone talking, tweeting, or instagraming about equality for women these days. While we certainly have a long way to go, women have worked tirelessly for over a century to get us to where we are today. Often times, without even realizing it, females are softening their words or phrases and sabotaging their own point in order to make someone else feel comfortable.

Next time you are sitting in a meeting or a classroom, pay attention to how are you starting or ending your statements. Are you speaking with clarity and confidence or are you undermining your credibility with qualifiers like “I might be the only one that thinks this, but” or “does that make sense?” While these phrases may not seem like they are a big deal, when they are said often, likely without you even realizing it, others may not be taking you seriously.

Tara Mohr, an expert on women’s leadership and well-being explains four “little things” that women often do when speaking that undermine their credibility and make us appear less confident.

1. Inserting just: “I just want to check in and see…” “I just think…” Just tends to make us sound a little apologetic and defensive about what we’re saying. Think about the difference between the sound of “I just want to check in and see…” and “I want to check in and see…” or the difference between “I just think” and “I think…”

2. Inserting actually: “I actually disagree…” “I actually have a question.” It actually makes us sound surprised that we disagree or have a question—not good!

3. Using qualifiers: “I’m no expert in this, but…” or “I know you all have been researching this for a long time, but…” undermines your position before you’ve even stated your opinion.

4. Asking, “Does that make sense?” or “Am I making sense?”: I used to do this all the time. We do it with good intentions: We want to check in with the other people in the conversation and make sure we’ve been clear. The problem is, “does that make sense” comes across either as condescending (like your audience can’t understand) or it implies you feel you’ve been incoherent.

Using this inherently female language can unfortunately change people’s perception of us and make us appear “ditzy” or insecure, when in reality we know what we are talking about.  What can you do about it?  There are several easy things that we can do to help modify our speaking habits that keep us from being taken seriously. First, simply be aware that you are saying these things. Merely trying to stay away from the qualifying phrase that you use before you have something to say will curb some of your use of them. If you find yourself still apologizing when you have nothing to apologize for, focus on eliminating “just” from your vocabulary “I just think”. These small changes will go a long way in allowing you to get your point across without appearing timid or unsure.

One last thing, if you have a friend or colleague that could use this message today, please send it their way. Sorry, not sorry.

Why Can't You See What I See?

I recently spent time with a girlfriend that I have known for all of my adult life. She is one of the most honest, loyal, compassionate, hardworking, and successful women that I know. She too, believes that one of the most powerful things successful women can do is encourage other females to find their voice, their courage, their confidence. Because of this shared belief, we talk often about our hopes and dreams for the future of not just our daughters, but of the next generation of females.

During one of our recent heart to hearts, she shared with me that she can’t seem to shake this belief that she really isn’t who everyone thinks she. She told me she is just waiting for everyone to figure out that she is a fraud and that she doesn’t deserve this incredible career, relationship, and family that she has worked so hard to create. I will say it again, that she worked so hard to create.  I listened to her doubt her talent, her body, her brain, and her ability to be what everyone expects her to be and the whole time I was thinking to myself “why can’t you see what I see? What everyone around you sees?”

 My girlfriend has so many incredible traits that have shaped her into an amazing friend, wife, mother, daughter, and someone who is making a tremendous difference in the lives of so many others, especially of other girls and women around her. I have watched her daughter grown up into this kind, strong, confident young woman. I have seen firsthand the life changing impact she has made on countless young women she has been surrounded with. Yet, she still doubts herself. She still doesn’t think that she deserves the success she has worked so hard to earn. I want her to know that she is wrong. She deserves everything she has and more. Nothing was handed to her, she worked tirelessly to get where she is today.

How do we as females help champion other women to see themselves the way that we see them? What do we need to stop saying to ourselves over and over again? What can we say to the girls and women in our lives to help encourage and build them up? Listen, society today puts enough pressure on females to be perfect. Smart, pretty, thin, outspoken but not too opinionated, brave but not too audacious, the list goes on and on… I wish I knew exactly what to say to my friend to help her see herself the way that others see her. She is strong, smart, beautiful, and one of the bravest women I know. I want her to know that she is enough. I want her to see that in herself. I want her to feel that confidence that she helped instill in me.

If you are doubting something about yourself today, I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself YOU ARE ENOUGH. Say it again, YOU ARE ENOUGH. If you know someone who is struggling to see themselves the way that you see them, take a few minutes to send them a text, give them a call, or if you are lucky enough to see them in person, give them a huge hug and tell them that not only are they enough, they are INCREDIBLE. Don’t wait for another opportunity to celebrate all of the way your girlfriends SHINE!